Love & Respect

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Template:Infobox book

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs was written in 2004 by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. The book suggests a direct connection between the emotional needs of men and women and a verse of scripture found in the Bible, that when adhered to, can strengthen and transform relationships.[1]

Dr. Eggerichs founded the nonprofit organization Love and Respect Ministries [2][3] in 1999 and held Love and Respect Marriage Conferences throughout the U.S. along with his wife Sarah.[4] By 2003 Dr. Eggerichs had become a requested speaker on the Christian radio broadcast Focus on the Family that at that time was hosted by psychologist James Dobson.[5] The book was then produced with the assistance of Focus on the Family and went on to make several top 10 book lists and won several book awards including the 2007 Book of the Year for the Family Christian Stores.[6][7][8] Other awards include the Gold Medallion Award in 2005 and the Retailers Choice Awards.[9][10][11] Dr. Eggerichs wrote a second follow-up to Love & Respect in 2009 titled The Language of Love & Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate [12] In 2010, Love and Respect for a Lifetime, a gift book for husbands and wives, was released.

Summary

The book is built upon the theory that the "primary emotional needs" for men and women, respectively are that men need respect and women need love, like they need air to breathe. Dr. Eggerichs uses simple examples to illustrate real life situations in relationships and then often connects those situations to the verse in Ephesians and other passages in the Bible. The book is organized into three main sections.[1][13]

The Crazy Cycle first illustrates that "Without love, she reacts without respect and without respect, he reacts without love". Misunderstandings in communication is expressed using simple metaphors to illustrate that men often use blue sunglasses and women often use pink sunglasses during communication.[14][15] Practical strategies are then discussed to stop the Crazy Cycle from spinning, including the use of scientific findings by John Gottman.[1]

The Energizing Cycle next outlines strategies for improving a relationship by showing that "his love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love", using two acronyms C-O-U-P-L-E (Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty, and Esteem) and C-H-A-I-R-S (Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality).[1][16]

The Rewarded Cycle lastly is demonstrated by example using Scripture that "His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love". Connecting obedience to Christ in the correlation to a greater outcome in the relationship is suggested.[1][13][16][17]

Controversies

Enabling Abusive Relationships

While the book has received awards from various Christian organizations, a number of Christian writers have published articles criticizing the book for enabling abusive relationships.

In 2013 Sarah Moon criticized[18] the book and the movie Fireproof for delivering a message that requires women to remain in abusive relationships as evidence of unconditional respect for their husbands.

In 2016 Nate Sparks wrote four articles addressing issues in the book including

  • [19]Data manipulation and faulty methodology used to support his recommendations
  • [20]The misrepresentation of scriptural passages to disenfranchise women
  • [21]Undermining the importance of consent in marital sex
  • [22]Allegations against the author during his time as senior pastor at Trinity Church

Nate Sparks' conclusion states "It is for this reason that I insist that the ministry and teaching of Emerson Eggerichs are not rooted in the cross of Christ, and thus present a counter-claim to the Gospel. One cannot claim the cross of Christ while working to keep others in positions of vulnerability, abuse, and disenfranchisement. Abuse and the Gospel cannot be mingled, for anywhere the cross is made manifest the abused must be uplifted and freed from their abuser."

In January of 2019 Sheila Wray Gregoire[23] wrote a series of articles addressing various issues in the book including Sexual Power Dynamics[24] ("If wives don’t meet their needs, husbands will be tempted to have an affair, and affairs tend to be caused by women not having sex."), Marital Power Dynamics[25] (“Obviously, wives can go on “winning the battles” by attacking, criticizing, or lecturing husbands who are drinking, straying, or whatever their problems may be, but they will eventually lose the war.”), Placing the Husband at the Center of the Marriage Instead of Christ[26].

Focus on the Family

In March of 2019 a mixed method analysis of women's reactions to the book was published[27] by Joanna Daigle Sawatsky, MPH and Sheila Wray Gregoire, MPA MA. This analysis produced five findings

  1. The blog posts on the book garnered a statistically significant share of reader attention
  2. A statistically significant share of unfavorable views of the book
  3. The book has "potential to harm and its ideas can be easily weaponized by a spouse... to facilitate abuse"
  4. The book places an undue burden on women to fix marital issues
  5. The book overstates the husband's need for unconditional respect while overlooking the wife's need for respect

The report was sent[28] to Focus on the Family who hold the trademark on the book in the hopes the statistical evidence would encourage FotF to review the book and consider repudiating the message. Focus on the Family continues to promote the book.[29]

Translations

(This list is most probably incomplete.)

Language Title Year of Translation
Spanish Amor y Respeto 2010
German Liebe und Respekt 2011
Afrikaans Liefde en respek
Italian Amore e rispetto
Polish Milosc i szacunek
Romanian Dragoste şi respect
Russian Любовь и уважение 2013

References

  1. 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 Conner, Jonathan (September 2008). "The Love a Wife Desires, the Respect a Husband Needs". http://www.hausvater.org/book-reviews/48-the-love-a-wife-desires-the-respect-a-husband-needs.html. Retrieved June 22, 2010. 
  2. Greulich, Megan (Autumn 2007). "Guy "Secrets" Revealed?". Christians for Biblical Equality. http://www.cbeinternational.org/?q=content/guy-secrets-revealed-mixed-messages-teenagers-young-women-only. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  3. "Love and Respect in the Homeschool Marriage". Home School Legal Defense Association. November 26–30, 2007. http://cache.zoominfo.com/CachedPage/?archive_id=0&page_id=-2101000010&page_url=%2f%2fwww.hslda.org%2fdocs%2fhshb%2f78%2fhshbwk7.asp&page_last_updated=11%2f27%2f2007+1%3a39%3a34+PM&firstName=Emerson&lastName=Eggerichs. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  4. Heffernan, Carol (202). "Your spouse's greatest need". Focus on the Family (Canada) Association. http://www.focusonthefamily.ca/marriage/conflict/your-spouses-greatest-need. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  5. Palmer, Adam (Jan–Feb 2006). "Love + Respect=Marital Bliss". New Man Magazine. http://newmanmag.com/display_cms.php?id=12306. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  6. Fairchild, Mary. "Top 10 Most Popular Christian Books". About.com. http://christianity.about.com/od/christianbooks/tp/christianbooks.htm. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  7. "CBA Best-Seller Lists". Christian Booksellers Association. http://christianity.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=christianity&cdn=religion&tm=621&gps=292_137_796_481&f=00&tt=3&bt=1&bts=0&zu=http%3A//www.cbaonline.org/nm/BSLs.htm. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  8. Griffin, Pam (September 4, 2008). "Love and Respect Conference comes to Emerald Coast". The Destin Log. http://www.thedestinlog.com/articles/conference-6217-emerald-coast.html. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  9. "2005 Christian Book Awards Winners". Evangelical Christian Publishers Association. 2005. http://www.ecpa.org/christianbookawards/cba2005.php. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  10. "Christian Retailing Retailers Choice Awards". Retailers Choice Awards. 2005. http://www.retailerschoiceawards.com/2005winners.html. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  11. Hyatt, Michael (July 27, 2009). "Book Notes: Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs". Michael Hyatt. http://michaelhyatt.com/2009/07/book-notes-love-and-respect.html. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  12. Howe, Michele. "Review". FaithfulReader.com. http://www.faithfulreader.com/reviews/9780849948077.asp. Retrieved June 28, 2010. 
  13. 13.0 13.1 Gretchen (May 6, 2006). "The respect he desperately needs". Young Ladies Christian Fellowship. http://ylcf.org/2006/05/respect-he-desperately-needs/. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  14. "Love & Respect - Pink And Blue". YouTube. February 3, 2010. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryj7nhzvqbc. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  15. Mueller, Jim (2007). "A Conversation with Emerson Eggerichs". Growthtrac Ministries. http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/a-conversation-with-emerson-eggerichs-3-1075.php. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  16. 16.0 16.1 Basham, Leslie; Nancy Leigh DeMoss. "The Energizing Cycle". Revive Our Hearts. http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=10257. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  17. "Love & Respect—The Glue That Holds Relationships Together". November 4, 2007. http://www.gracecommunityonline.org/dev/uploadedFiles/In_Crisis/Marriage_Resources/Love%2520%2520Respect%20The%20Glue%20That%20Holds%20Relationships%20Together-11-4-07.pdf. Retrieved June 25, 2010. 
  18. Moon, Sarah Over the (2013-11-21). "What "Love and Respect" and "Fireproof" Teach Abusers and their Victims" (in en). https://www.patheos.com/blogs/sarahoverthemoon/2013/11/what-love-and-respect-fireproof-abuse/. 
  19. "Love, Respect, and Science" (in en). 2016-06-17. https://natesparks130.com/2016/06/17/love-respect-and-science/. 
  20. "Love, Respect, and Proof-Texts" (in en). 2016-05-29. https://natesparks130.com/2016/05/29/love-respect-and-proof-texts/. 
  21. "Love, Respect, and Consent" (in en). 2016-06-06. https://natesparks130.com/2016/06/06/love-respect-and-consent/. 
  22. "Love, Respect, and Science" (in en). 2016-06-17. https://natesparks130.com/2016/06/17/love-respect-and-science/. 
  23. "About Sheila | Sheila Wray Gregoire". http://sheilawraygregoire.com/about-sheila/. 
  24. "A Review of Love and Respect: How the Book Gets Sex Horribly Wrong | To Love, Honor and Vacuum". https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2019/01/love-and-respect-review-how-sex-portrayed/. 
  25. "Love and Respect: Why Unconditional Respect Can’t Work | To Love, Honor and Vacuum". https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2019/01/love-and-respect-why-unconditional-respect-cant-work/. 
  26. "The Ultimate Flaw in the Book Love and Respect: Jesus Isn’t at the Center | To Love, Honor and Vacuum". https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2019/01/the-ultimate-flaw-in-love-and-respect-eggerichs/. 
  27. Sawatsky & Gregoire (March 14, 2019). "Mixed Methods Analysis of Review Posts Discussing Love and Respect Published on To Love Honor and Vacuum in January 2019". https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Mixed-Methods-Analysis-of-Review-Posts-Discussing-Love-and-Respect-Published-on-To-Love-Honor-and-Vacuum-in-January-2019.pdf. 
  28. "Podcast In Which I Admit I Was Naive–and Beth Moore Was, Too | To Love, Honor and Vacuum". https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2019/06/podcast-naive-beth-moore-focus-on-the-family/. 
  29. "You searched for love and respect" (in en-US). https://www.focusonthefamily.com/search/love+and+respect/. 

External links